Interview – John Thomson

John Thomson

Striker JT has missed a bit of the season due to work and other commitments but is back in the squad for tomorrow’s game against Hardgate. The scourge of Spanish health professionals and baggage handlers alike here he talks to Tipton Town Chairman and Tally Vic supporter Mat Danks.

MD: Hello pal. Hope you’re well. You’re looking well. Tell me, would you honestly say you’re a good person?

JT: Yeah, I’m absolutely a good person. Although I have no problem being bad towards bad people.

MD: Well, you say that. So, if you could receive one million pounds but it meant that an old man in China fell off his bike and died of a massive head injury, would you do it?
JT: Well it depends? How old is this geezer?

MD: Let’s say 60, for the sake of argument. Let’s bear in mind though that China’s average life expectancy for a male is just shy of 73 years. But let’s also say he was a spritely soul, played squash twice a week and was actively involved in his local Rotary Club. Hell, let’s give him a name. Mao Deng tou. So, is the old man or the money?
JT: Ah, the money would be lovely but not worth the guilt. Plus I wouldn’t want any of his family coming after me to avenge his honour.

MD: That’s a good point. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot you could do with the money – for good causes and all – but having Mao Teng tao on your conscience is a lot to ask of anyone.
Let’s cut to the chase. See what we’re really dealing with in this interview.
Brown sauce or red sauce on bacon?
JT: Red on rolls but like brown on a fryup.

MD: Hmmm. Interesting. Beatles or Stones?
JT: Beatles.

MD: Hmmm. Again. Interesting. Bitter or lager?
JT: Vodka

MD: Indian or Chinese?
JT: Indian.

MD: Ok, one out of four ain’t bad. As Meatloaf didn’t say.
Let’s talk football. If you had the choice of bagging a hat-trick in a big cup final to win the cup for the Tally Vic or becoming the first man who could run faster than a train, which one would you go for?
JT: Cup final hat trick all day, mate. That’s the dream!

MD: So, just talk me through this dream. It would have to be a good one to forego this whole running thing. Would you want a ‘classic’ hattrick, left foot, right foot, header?
JT: Well, to start, we would be 2-0 down going into last half hour or so. First would be a screamer from 25 yards to get us back in it. A late equaliser with a header from a set piece and gotta be an injury time goal mouth stramash for the winner.

MD: I am all over that. Now, most importantly, what would be the celebration for the winner. A sprint over towards Jan – who no doubt would look ancient after all that stress? Or something pre-planned?
JT: Hahaha, only bawbags pre plan celebrations. Maybe jump on the chairman if he’s still breathing.

MD: What are your memories of making your dayboo for the Tally Vic? Start from pre-game.
JT: it was a midweek game under the lights. To be honest, I don’t remember much about the dressing room before the game. I was delighted to be starting in a 3 man midfield. We played really well from what I remember but lost 4-3. I was happy with my performance but unfortunately didn’t get a dayboo goal!

MD: Dayboo goals are a premium and no mistake. Especially in Scotland, I understand.
JT: Would have loved to have bagged one that night although I got one on my home dayboo though.

MD: Which player do you model yourself on? Other than the Tipton Terrier.
JT: I’d say Rooney. I’m a striker but often asked to drop into midfield. I like to defend from the front by putting defenders under pressure but this often leads to me being knackered and getting subbed.

MD: Does this comparison run to a rather creepy love of GILFS or do you draw a line at that?
JT: Hahaha, yeah football comparisons only. There’s no excuse for shagging a granny but suppose we have all done some daft shit in our time.

MD: Did you hear that when that happened, Coleen actually followed the granny prostitute for four miles to find out where she lived and to confront her. It was a rare case of the WAG tailing the dog.
JT: Fuck that’s terrible. You been hanging around with Davie Bonacorsi?

MD: What’s the best thing about donning the colours of the Tally Vic?
JT: For me the best thing is knowing I’m in a team full of good lads who are determined to go and get 3 points on a Saturday morning. We dont always get the result but that’s football.

MD: Well, this is it. Which would you rather, playing and hating it but picking up £100 a game or playing for the love of it and having a ball?
JT: You gotta enjoy it otherwise its pointless. And I think we will all enjoy this season. The squad has improved and the right guys are in charge. These are exciting times!

MD: So who are the real characters in the changing room? Who is most likely to raise a smile when the chips are down?
JT: Without a doubt the Bonacorsi Brothers, or Jedward as I like to call them! Big Tank and Scotty Keys. Oh and Moses always tells us about all the wee dirties he’s been wae at the weekend.

MD: Those Bonacorsi Brothers are bad teds and absolutely no mistake. Who provides the voice of reason? I struggle to believe that this is Jan or The Chairman?
JT: Ah they’re no too bad. Playerwise Big Mo’s quite level headed and knows what he’s talking about.

MD: MoMo strikes me as the level headed type. I bet he can be a proper bad ted when he’s had a drink though.
JT: You wouldn’t believe some of the shit he gets up to. Proper madman.

MD: So, who has the worst dress sense? And the worst taste in music?
JT: Worst dressed has to go to young Pipkin. There’s a couple of pictures with him wearing some very questionable jackets. Worst taste in music is Chris Reilly. He picks me up before games and the tunes are horrendous. He insists they’re ‘bangin’’ though.

MD: When did you first hear about the phenomenon that is The Tally Vic? And what do you make of this frankly bonkers link to the Black Country?
JT: Well, I grew up with the Bonacorsi Bros so when I moved to Glasgow i ended up renting their spare room. They had been involved with the team for a while so joining the tally was a no brainer.
The Black Country thing is brilliant. I’m learning quite abit about WBA through Twitter these days. I can’t wait to get a trip down for a match!

MD: WBA is, in many ways, a parallel for the Scottish national team. Everyone has this vague recollection of them being good once but every time you think they might be half decent again they tend to regress.
So, do you think Taggart is an accurate portrayal of Glasgow?
JT: A bit before my time but I would doubt its anything like Glasgow. Unless Taggart’s just eejits gettin pissed and fighting with each other!

MD: Taggart was boss. Proper hard drinking Glasweigan crime drama. Always had the line.
“There’s been a mordor.”
“A mordor?”
“A mordor.”
Then, when the old fella died who played the characater Taggart as a result of drinking, they carried on with the show. That takes some skill.
Now – finally and crucially: over the course of these questions have you reconsidered the Chinese man and the million pound question?  Feel free to change your mind.
JT: Not a chance, pal. I like to sleep at night. And you don’t mess with the Rotary!

Cheers to Mat and JT for a cracking interview!

This entry was posted on Friday, October 4th, 2013 at 7:05 pm and is filed under Player Profiles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Comments are closed.